Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

So it’s been 2-ish months since I’ve posted. Sorry about that, I’ve been a little busy with my next cool shit attempt and going to church. In your face! Told ya in that last post I’d go. We have been 3 times so far thank you very much. Well, 4 times if you include the church we stole those coffee mugs from…

Okay, so in truth we have no idea if we stole the coffee mugs. We were very overwhelmed. We were introduced to the pastor, his wife, a small group leader, her husband, another couple, and another family. It was just too much. We were just trying to sneak in the back, feel it out, and get the fuck out of there. Not meet the whole damn staff. But we did, then they offered us cups of coffee. So nice. Promptly thereafter, we saw an opportunity to duck out, took it, turned the corner, looked at each other and realized, ‘Oh shit did they mean we were supposed to put coffee in these and stay awhile?’ So we walked home a little quicker than usual, put the coffee mugs in the back of the cabinet and have not used them once. It feels dirty.

Since the coffee mug dilemma, the mugs have made it to the garage in a box and we found a church we like! Very exciting stuff. And perfect timing since the whole fam is coming in town from Texas next week and staying with us in our box of a home. I cannot wait to see my momma.

New cool shit attempt: We moved to Huntington Beach! Drew has started with a new company and likes it much better than his previous gig. I am starting to teach cycling again, I am working for a fitness apparel company, and I’m tutoring once or twice a week. We live in a box of a home with a badass deck a couple blocks from the beach. It’s wonderful. I want to be outside all 24 hours of the day. We live with the windows and doors open – what else could I ask for right?

I realize I went right back to my ‘well rounded’ bullshit with three jobs. Yes, I’m happy here. Much happier than the boring last place we were. But again, here’s my undying unanswered question – do I feel fulfillment? I have work-life balance and it’s great, but then again it feels empty.

It’s kind of ironic actually. The reason I wanted the fitness apparel job was for the opportunity to go to work and leave without any emotion. Although, that’s why I don’t love it. Drew knows exactly what he wants to do with his life. I have no idea what I want to do with mine. Why on earth does he want to be with me? When I admitted to him that I was writing this (insert noun of what this is here), he told me good for me as he continued cleaning the dishes. This is code for, I support whatever you do even though it’s something new every week. He’s great. Also, I had just made a bomb dinner and had a little wine so the situation was skewed.

The conversation about me doing ‘this thing’ continued into a debate about opportunities. I posed the question that this ‘thing’ is centered around: What is the point? Is there one or an infinite amount? I heard once that if you run out of opportunities in your life that means you stopped taking chances or stopped saying yes. I have the overwhelming need to say yes to every opportunity in order to not miss out. And I also currently feel like I’m waiting for the next thing to say yes to.

I also heard once that the opportunities in a person’s life is unique to their life. Maybe one opportunity leads to the next. Or maybe you are supposed to exhaust an opportunity before you jump.

Does that make anyone feel like they are in the Hungry, Hungry Hippo game? I want to gobble up everything and store it away, but there’s too many and it’s impossible to win. Also, who am I playing against? Is there an enemy? Anyone else feel like the enemy is occasionally themselves?

The Glue

My mother. My mother is the glue that holds it all together.

I am convinced that my mother is the greatest woman who has walked this earth. She drives me insane. She is my best friend. If I was my mom, I would currently have a 4-year-old living in Crosby with my first husband that works too much. I also would work for an environmental lab. (What?) and be an Oilers Cheerleader. (Seriously?) I told you. Badass.

At 28, my mother divorced the largest narcissist on the planet and started her dance studio. Cool right? She met my step dad shortly thereafter. Thank god. Who knows where we’d be without him. He’s the rock. Mom is the glue. Maybe that’s why we get to explore all these other avenues of life. Dad will always be there to support, even if he knows it’s stupid. He’ll let you safely make the mistake and then so sweetly explain, ‘well that was fucking stupid. But I’m always here for you.’  Yup. Subtle. Thanks dad.

So clearly, this ‘well rounded’ thing didn’t start with me. But, Mom has always known her purpose in life is us. I just don’t feel that.

The questions still stand.

What is my purpose? Am I supposed to know?

Is anyone else waiting for some crazy miracle from the Bible to transplant itself into their life? At this point I feel like that’s the only way I’m going to actually know what my point is. God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Yes. I know. Read the Bible and pray. I DO! I could do it more. We all could. We all should. I definitely need to read it more and go to church. Maybe getting closer to God would allow me to know my purpose. But here’s where it doesn’t make sense to me: my purpose isn’t in the church… so why is that where I go to find it? Or maybe I’m just supposed to go to God in general, not the actual physical church. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. I will. I’ll be there Sunday in the back row with no make up on, pen in hand, and a smile on my face as I eagerly listen to find my damn purpose here. Yes, this is what I do in church. Oh and I pretend to sing. Yeap, you do it too. I’ll be there on Sunday. Will you?

Turns out I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I got day drunk with my friends and had a complete blast instead. Drinking during the day is my favorite. I can still go to bed early and wake up the next day ready to take on the world. After I binge watch Orange is the New Black or Westworld of course.

I know God has a plan. And I trust it, I do. At the end of the day though, I have to make decisions. So how do those two things connect? I know they do, I just can’t figure out how. There is a plan, we make decisions and hope it’s the same as what God wants? How the hell do we know? I don’t. So, take your best leap of faith and if it sucks, odds are you’ll fall on your face, call your mom (or whoever your ‘glue’ is), cry, drink some wine, and move on to the next cool shit attempt. And then I’ll try again and again until I don’t fall.

Directionally Challenged.

What if I don’t know what I’m meant to do?

I began my college career thinking I wanted to be in advertising. Then, I decided I wanted to teach high school. So, I was told to major in a subject itself – here comes my math major. PS – I SUCK at math. Clearly, that was short-lived. Then I went to general studies for a while. I did some volunteer work in a school and decided that God gave me a sign and I was going to be a teacher. That little kid with dreads was so fucking cute.

I studied my ass off and threw myself completely into it. I tend to do that. And I loved it. All four of my years of teaching I loved. Then I quit. Will I ever go back? Probably. Now? Hell no. It wasn’t enough. I made up so many excuses because I didn’t want to admit the fact that I just needed out. Just for a little bit. I was a leader and a mentor – teaching people how to be better teachers and I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t go on. I felt like a complete fraud.

I will never forget the day one of my students was suspended for fighting the biggest bully in the school. But, another student that hit me the day before had zero consequences. How? It seemed so wrong. So immoral. I was told, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’

Thank god I worked and lived with my best friend that year the torture ensued. We drove home cursing that entire drive, promptly opened a bottle of wine, popped some popcorn, and solved all the problems of the world while watching Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, and How to Get Away with Murder. Don’t pretend like you don’t know the greatest Thursday night show line up of all time.

The next day after I was fueled with a big ass coffee, I was offered a job to run a spin studio. And I took it. Timing is funny isn’t it? I went on to manage that spin studio with a twinkle in my eye of opportunity and a different lifestyle. The lifestyle was unbeatable. But, the question is, was I fulfilled?

Since then, I’ve moved to California to live with my fiancé. We are now going through another time of change and movement. After job hunting with zero bites for over a year, he was offered 4 jobs in one week. While I feel like I just arrived, we’re ready for it.

So I’m left to wonder, what am I supposed to do? I know two things.

  • I love fitness.
  • I love people.

That’s it. That’s all I am for sure of in terms of a job or career. All of the traditional self-help books you read suggest that you wake up some random morning and just KNOW. Know exactly what you are meant for in this life in one single moment. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. If I do, then I have no meaning. I refuse to accept that. So, I am creating my own answer. I believe I’m not meant to do one thing. I believe I’m meant to go through the journey of life with a positive outlook and soak it all up. Someone told me once that if you run out of opportunity in life, you said no. I choose to say yes. I choose to be curious.