The Glue

My mother. My mother is the glue that holds it all together.

I am convinced that my mother is the greatest woman who has walked this earth. She drives me insane. She is my best friend. If I was my mom, I would currently have a 4-year-old living in Crosby with my first husband that works too much. I also would work for an environmental lab. (What?) and be an Oilers Cheerleader. (Seriously?) I told you. Badass.

At 28, my mother divorced the largest narcissist on the planet and started her dance studio. Cool right? She met my step dad shortly thereafter. Thank god. Who knows where we’d be without him. He’s the rock. Mom is the glue. Maybe that’s why we get to explore all these other avenues of life. Dad will always be there to support, even if he knows it’s stupid. He’ll let you safely make the mistake and then so sweetly explain, ‘well that was fucking stupid. But I’m always here for you.’  Yup. Subtle. Thanks dad.

So clearly, this ‘well rounded’ thing didn’t start with me. But, Mom has always known her purpose in life is us. I just don’t feel that.

The questions still stand.

What is my purpose? Am I supposed to know?

Is anyone else waiting for some crazy miracle from the Bible to transplant itself into their life? At this point I feel like that’s the only way I’m going to actually know what my point is. God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Yes. I know. Read the Bible and pray. I DO! I could do it more. We all could. We all should. I definitely need to read it more and go to church. Maybe getting closer to God would allow me to know my purpose. But here’s where it doesn’t make sense to me: my purpose isn’t in the church… so why is that where I go to find it? Or maybe I’m just supposed to go to God in general, not the actual physical church. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. I will. I’ll be there Sunday in the back row with no make up on, pen in hand, and a smile on my face as I eagerly listen to find my damn purpose here. Yes, this is what I do in church. Oh and I pretend to sing. Yeap, you do it too. I’ll be there on Sunday. Will you?

Turns out I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I got day drunk with my friends and had a complete blast instead. Drinking during the day is my favorite. I can still go to bed early and wake up the next day ready to take on the world. After I binge watch Orange is the New Black or Westworld of course.

I know God has a plan. And I trust it, I do. At the end of the day though, I have to make decisions. So how do those two things connect? I know they do, I just can’t figure out how. There is a plan, we make decisions and hope it’s the same as what God wants? How the hell do we know? I don’t. So, take your best leap of faith and if it sucks, odds are you’ll fall on your face, call your mom (or whoever your ‘glue’ is), cry, drink some wine, and move on to the next cool shit attempt. And then I’ll try again and again until I don’t fall.

Directionally Challenged.

What if I don’t know what I’m meant to do?

I began my college career thinking I wanted to be in advertising. Then, I decided I wanted to teach high school. So, I was told to major in a subject itself – here comes my math major. PS – I SUCK at math. Clearly, that was short-lived. Then I went to general studies for a while. I did some volunteer work in a school and decided that God gave me a sign and I was going to be a teacher. That little kid with dreads was so fucking cute.

I studied my ass off and threw myself completely into it. I tend to do that. And I loved it. All four of my years of teaching I loved. Then I quit. Will I ever go back? Probably. Now? Hell no. It wasn’t enough. I made up so many excuses because I didn’t want to admit the fact that I just needed out. Just for a little bit. I was a leader and a mentor – teaching people how to be better teachers and I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t go on. I felt like a complete fraud.

I will never forget the day one of my students was suspended for fighting the biggest bully in the school. But, another student that hit me the day before had zero consequences. How? It seemed so wrong. So immoral. I was told, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’

Thank god I worked and lived with my best friend that year the torture ensued. We drove home cursing that entire drive, promptly opened a bottle of wine, popped some popcorn, and solved all the problems of the world while watching Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, and How to Get Away with Murder. Don’t pretend like you don’t know the greatest Thursday night show line up of all time.

The next day after I was fueled with a big ass coffee, I was offered a job to run a spin studio. And I took it. Timing is funny isn’t it? I went on to manage that spin studio with a twinkle in my eye of opportunity and a different lifestyle. The lifestyle was unbeatable. But, the question is, was I fulfilled?

Since then, I’ve moved to California to live with my fiancé. We are now going through another time of change and movement. After job hunting with zero bites for over a year, he was offered 4 jobs in one week. While I feel like I just arrived, we’re ready for it.

So I’m left to wonder, what am I supposed to do? I know two things.

  • I love fitness.
  • I love people.

That’s it. That’s all I am for sure of in terms of a job or career. All of the traditional self-help books you read suggest that you wake up some random morning and just KNOW. Know exactly what you are meant for in this life in one single moment. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. If I do, then I have no meaning. I refuse to accept that. So, I am creating my own answer. I believe I’m not meant to do one thing. I believe I’m meant to go through the journey of life with a positive outlook and soak it all up. Someone told me once that if you run out of opportunity in life, you said no. I choose to say yes. I choose to be curious.