Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

So it’s been 2-ish months since I’ve posted. Sorry about that, I’ve been a little busy with my next cool shit attempt and going to church. In your face! Told ya in that last post I’d go. We have been 3 times so far thank you very much. Well, 4 times if you include the church we stole those coffee mugs from…

Okay, so in truth we have no idea if we stole the coffee mugs. We were very overwhelmed. We were introduced to the pastor, his wife, a small group leader, her husband, another couple, and another family. It was just too much. We were just trying to sneak in the back, feel it out, and get the fuck out of there. Not meet the whole damn staff. But we did, then they offered us cups of coffee. So nice. Promptly thereafter, we saw an opportunity to duck out, took it, turned the corner, looked at each other and realized, ‘Oh shit did they mean we were supposed to put coffee in these and stay awhile?’ So we walked home a little quicker than usual, put the coffee mugs in the back of the cabinet and have not used them once. It feels dirty.

Since the coffee mug dilemma, the mugs have made it to the garage in a box and we found a church we like! Very exciting stuff. And perfect timing since the whole fam is coming in town from Texas next week and staying with us in our box of a home. I cannot wait to see my momma.

New cool shit attempt: We moved to Huntington Beach! Drew has started with a new company and likes it much better than his previous gig. I am starting to teach cycling again, I am working for a fitness apparel company, and I’m tutoring once or twice a week. We live in a box of a home with a badass deck a couple blocks from the beach. It’s wonderful. I want to be outside all 24 hours of the day. We live with the windows and doors open – what else could I ask for right?

I realize I went right back to my ‘well rounded’ bullshit with three jobs. Yes, I’m happy here. Much happier than the boring last place we were. But again, here’s my undying unanswered question – do I feel fulfillment? I have work-life balance and it’s great, but then again it feels empty.

It’s kind of ironic actually. The reason I wanted the fitness apparel job was for the opportunity to go to work and leave without any emotion. Although, that’s why I don’t love it. Drew knows exactly what he wants to do with his life. I have no idea what I want to do with mine. Why on earth does he want to be with me? When I admitted to him that I was writing this (insert noun of what this is here), he told me good for me as he continued cleaning the dishes. This is code for, I support whatever you do even though it’s something new every week. He’s great. Also, I had just made a bomb dinner and had a little wine so the situation was skewed.

The conversation about me doing ‘this thing’ continued into a debate about opportunities. I posed the question that this ‘thing’ is centered around: What is the point? Is there one or an infinite amount? I heard once that if you run out of opportunities in your life that means you stopped taking chances or stopped saying yes. I have the overwhelming need to say yes to every opportunity in order to not miss out. And I also currently feel like I’m waiting for the next thing to say yes to.

I also heard once that the opportunities in a person’s life is unique to their life. Maybe one opportunity leads to the next. Or maybe you are supposed to exhaust an opportunity before you jump.

Does that make anyone feel like they are in the Hungry, Hungry Hippo game? I want to gobble up everything and store it away, but there’s too many and it’s impossible to win. Also, who am I playing against? Is there an enemy? Anyone else feel like the enemy is occasionally themselves?

Normalcy is Overrated.

I’ve always known that I wasn’t normal. Whatever ‘normal’ is. It’s definitely not me.

It transitions, right? It begins with your loving mother encouraging you to be different. Be whatever you want to be Morgan! You can accomplish anything you want in life. (Note: my mother is a complete badass I will explain later.) Then middle school hits and you wear knee-high toe socks with flames down the side, and we are told, ‘What are you doing! Don’t you want to fit in?!’ …Um. That was just me, huh?

True story. Although, I have officially accepted that the flame toe socks were a strange choice. Shortly after the sock incident, I decided to internalize all differences. Yay teenage years. Then I thought all this stuff inside of me was wrong. For a long time. But here I finally am admitting that I don’t think it is wrong. All of my shit is okay. It’s what makes up who I am. The differentness is what makes each person in the world have a story.

But now what? What was the point of the toe sock mishap

I’m at a place in my life where I feel the ‘now what’ question constantly hitting my brain. And sometimes if I let it, my heart. Let’s take my day for example.

Thoughts:

  1. I need to find a job where I don’t have to wake up at 7 am on a Saturday. But I sleep until 10 am on Monday and Wednesday – that’s pretty cool.
  2. I feel like a slave. I hate my job.
  3. This is literally the greatest job I’ve ever had. I am so happy.
  4. I cannot wait to see him. Get me on the flight now.
  5. I really wish I was with my friends watching the game.
  6. I want that baby he is wonderful.
  7. What if I miss teaching? Hell no, you cried everyday Morgan. But, those kids are so cool.
  8. I should write all of this down.

Yup. All over the place. I’m aware – I have zero direction, but I’m so ready for the next thing. I forced myself to take a deep breath.

Mornings will always suck ass, jobs will come and go, my friends are awesome, one day my boyfriend and I will be able to progress, and someday I will have a child. Once put into perspective, all of my thoughts appear surface level. But, there is something deeper that I felt in the pit of my stomach when I wrote all of that down. There has to be a purpose to all of this. It has to lead to something bigger. Seeing my thoughts written down made me realize that I can choose to be happy in whatever point of my life I’m in. It’s way easier said than done, and I definitely struggle with it on a daily basis. But, I’m a work in progress. We all are.

For staff development that year we were required to read, The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon. Secretly, I am a nerd and had already read the book, but I was happy to reread it a second time as my new blank shiny copy was handed to me. I immediately gifted that copy and I pulled out my first copy with all the notes in it. When I taught fourth grade reading, a huge piece of the curriculum is teaching kids to think while you read. Now, I will forever take notes in the margins while I read books. It’s weird and annoying and I usually end up with ink all over my hand but, some habits are not meant to be broken.

Back to the point – The Energy Bus. There is a paragraph in this book that changed my daily life. Essentially, Jon Gordon suggests that studies have shown great positive outcome from making one daily change. Here’s the catch, your change has to take less than a minute, but should effect at least 30 minutes of your following day in a positive manner. So, every night I place my running shoes in my path I take to leave for the day. The moment I see those damn things, I always end up running. Running is my therapy. It alters my mindset daily to encourage me to be more than normal and to continue finding the point. Although I’m still in search for my point and what comes next, there is beauty within the process.

Find something other than wearing reputation-crushing toe socks you can do that makes you feel much more than normal. Being normal is overrated. Being interesting is a constant journey of curiosity.