Directionally Challenged.

What if I don’t know what I’m meant to do?

I began my college career thinking I wanted to be in advertising. Then, I decided I wanted to teach high school. So, I was told to major in a subject itself – here comes my math major. PS – I SUCK at math. Clearly, that was short-lived. Then I went to general studies for a while. I did some volunteer work in a school and decided that God gave me a sign and I was going to be a teacher. That little kid with dreads was so fucking cute.

I studied my ass off and threw myself completely into it. I tend to do that. And I loved it. All four of my years of teaching I loved. Then I quit. Will I ever go back? Probably. Now? Hell no. It wasn’t enough. I made up so many excuses because I didn’t want to admit the fact that I just needed out. Just for a little bit. I was a leader and a mentor – teaching people how to be better teachers and I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t go on. I felt like a complete fraud.

I will never forget the day one of my students was suspended for fighting the biggest bully in the school. But, another student that hit me the day before had zero consequences. How? It seemed so wrong. So immoral. I was told, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’

Thank god I worked and lived with my best friend that year the torture ensued. We drove home cursing that entire drive, promptly opened a bottle of wine, popped some popcorn, and solved all the problems of the world while watching Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, and How to Get Away with Murder. Don’t pretend like you don’t know the greatest Thursday night show line up of all time.

The next day after I was fueled with a big ass coffee, I was offered a job to run a spin studio. And I took it. Timing is funny isn’t it? I went on to manage that spin studio with a twinkle in my eye of opportunity and a different lifestyle. The lifestyle was unbeatable. But, the question is, was I fulfilled?

Since then, I’ve moved to California to live with my fiancé. We are now going through another time of change and movement. After job hunting with zero bites for over a year, he was offered 4 jobs in one week. While I feel like I just arrived, we’re ready for it.

So I’m left to wonder, what am I supposed to do? I know two things.

  • I love fitness.
  • I love people.

That’s it. That’s all I am for sure of in terms of a job or career. All of the traditional self-help books you read suggest that you wake up some random morning and just KNOW. Know exactly what you are meant for in this life in one single moment. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. If I do, then I have no meaning. I refuse to accept that. So, I am creating my own answer. I believe I’m not meant to do one thing. I believe I’m meant to go through the journey of life with a positive outlook and soak it all up. Someone told me once that if you run out of opportunity in life, you said no. I choose to say yes. I choose to be curious.